i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
