You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
