Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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