Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
