i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
found the other keg... it's in the tree
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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