if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
