Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
