Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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