You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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