Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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