Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
