He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
