you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
