i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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