did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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