You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
