My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
