my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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