theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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