I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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