What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
