i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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