Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
