he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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