I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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