Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
