God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
