I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
