3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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