Can i not drive my cunt home
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
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