There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
