i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
