remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
