I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
