Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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