Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
