Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
