forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
