I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Drunk is not a location!
last night I used snow as a chaser
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
