there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
