i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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