I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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