Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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