Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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