I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
