he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
