someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
