did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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