If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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