The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
