My cat gives me a boner
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
