I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
